


Into The Mist

by AniRay



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Suicide, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:53:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22293637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniRay/pseuds/AniRay
Summary: The rally had gone without issue...And that was the problem.
Relationships: Tommy Shelby/Lizzie Shelby, Tommy Shelby/Lizzie Stark
Comments: 23
Kudos: 94





	Into The Mist

The rally had gone without issue.

Lizzie had sent Ruby and Charlie off to bed after supper. They’d complained a bit about not having her read a story, but she’d shooed them off fairly easily. Then she’d dismissed Frances and the other staff for the evening. Turing on the radio, Lizzie had taken her seat in the library. And she waited, like Tommy said. And she listened, like Tommy said.

And the rally went on without issue.

Mosely spoke his lies and filth. The crowd cheered. And still she sat and she waited and she listened. Then the event was finished. The sounds of a crowd dispersing peacefully came through the speakers for a moment. The evening program turned to static. And still Lizzie sat. Because there had been nothing- no gunshot, no screams and chaos- nothing Tommy had told her was to happen.

But that had been hours ago. The day was beginning to make its presence known out the window of her bedroom. She had waited up for Tommy- she didn’t know why. She had listened all night for the crunch of tires on gravel. And yet the sound only came now, as the weak morning sun failed to break through the thick fog that had surrounded Arrow house in the night.

She saw Arthur park the car in front of the fountain. She watched as he got out and half stumbled his way to the other side. For a moment she wondered if Tommy had been injured, what with Arthur dragging his brother from the car. But there was no blood that she could see. And after a moment Tommy had righted himself. Well, he stood unaided, at any rate.

A chill seemed to wrap itself around Lizzie as she watched her husband. The man was always a bit stiff, a bit distant, a bit cold. But never frozen- not even the night he’d lost Grace. But now… Now, Lizzie felt as if he had turned to ice. A part of her- the part she often hated- said go to him. But the smarter side of her said that she’d be of no help. And she couldn’t handle his abuse this early in the day.

So she stayed where she was and watched his brother speak words she couldn’t hear and didn’t care to know. She pulled her arms tighter around herself as if to ward off the chill that Tommy sent out- reaching her even through the walls and distance between them. Her mind took her to the day’s events- visiting Ada, helping Charlie with his lessons, trying to keep Ruby from ruining another of her dresses. She stood at the window and planned the dinner menu and what letters needed writing for the many Shelby charities.

So she almost missed him when he left.

He’d turned towards the field- the one that he’d blown to kingdom come not too long ago. He marched towards it as if he were heading into a meeting- preparing for a fight. And just before the fog pulled him into its cold embrace, she saw it. The twitch of his hand at his side. The sharp yank as he pulled his gun free of its holster. And suddenly _she_ was made of ice.

_‘Should you choose to depart…’_

Her feet were moving before she’d had time to tell them where to go. The corridor seemed to last for ages instead of the mere seconds it usually took to get to the stairs. She barely felt the cold of the floor on her bare feet as she ran to the front door- her coat left on its hook. It had been a long while since she’d had to run barefoot outside- but her body could never stop being used to pain or forget how to push through it.

_‘Either by your own hand or another…’_

She heard Arthur call after her, but she ignored him. Because she could still see him- just a bit. The swish of his black coat was still there through the fog. So she chased after it. She couldn’t lose sight of it. Gravel gave way to damp grass, then grass gave way to mud and still she kept going. She could hear him now, just barely- talking to ghosts, talking to himself- talking…just talking.

She tripped.

She lost him.

Lizzie scrabbled back to her feet, careful now. She knew he was in front of her, and she knew he’d shoot her by mistake in the state he was in. So now she moved slower. She listened harder. And she heard him. Close, muttering about Irish whiskey and dead horses and barmaids not counting for something. But Lizzie didn’t give a shit what he was saying so long as he kept saying it. So long as she found him before he…

Then he was there. Appearing in front of her like a ghost out of the mist. And she wished she hadn’t seen him- not like this. She winced in pain as he screamed into the void. Her knees felt weak as she took in the gun digging into his temple- the gun held in his own hand. She crept closer, her cold feet sinking into the muck. She moved round to his front, slowly.

He was mad. She’d wondered for years, suspected for months, but now she knew. She could see it in him. In his eyes and his face and the way he held himself. Sanity had fled the confines of Tommy Shelby’s body. At least for this moment. Lizzie moved in front of him- right into his line of sight. His eyes flashed to hers- then through her to some other realm.

“Tommy…” His lashes fluttered and the gun pressed harder to his head- the skin blanching from the pressure. “Tommy, it’s me, Lizzie. Lizzie Stark.” For a moment she saw him- the boy from before the war. For a moment she saw the man who’d stolen her heart from her chest. “You used to walk me home from the pub when I had late nights. Can you walk me home, Tommy?”

She reached out- slowly, keeping her hand palm up where he could see it if he looked- and carefully wrapped her fingers around his on the gun. It was a terrible moment. She could feel it- a dark power rising in her. One twitch of his finger and he’d be gone. One instant of weakness or fear. One small thing and Tommy Shelby would be no more. And she could stop it.

Or she could not. 

Her hand shook over his as she stayed still. Her index finger slid to rest over his on the trigger. How many times had he hurt her? How many times had he used her for business or pleasure and given nothing of himself in exchange? How many evenings did she spend watching Ruby and Charlie grow still at the sound of the door, only to relax when it was Finn or Ada or anyone not their father? _‘In my head I still pay you for it…’_ And she’d taken his price, hadn’t she? She’d paid it over and over with blood and tears and bruises- from him and others. He’d turned her love for him into a tool.

But how many times had he held her after she’d had a nightmare? How many times had he gone to the kitchen himself to bring her a sweet when she’d been carrying Ruby? How many times had he laughed with her in the office and joked at the Garrison? How many times had she watched him slip into Ruby’s room to kiss her goodnight?

Her hand slid back down, fingers curling around his wrist. Gently, she coaxed his arm down to his side. She put the safety on and nudged his finger off the trigger. Then Lizzie put her arm around his neck and held him close- held him tight. A heady rush of emotions bombarded her as she felt him take a shuddery breath. Tears threatened to spill as she buried her head in the crook of his neck.

“It’s alright, Tommy.” Her voice was shaky as was the rest of her- or maybe it was him. Maybe it was the both of them at once. His hand still held the gun and hers still held his wrist and it seemed appropriate. It seemed like the sum of their marriage. Him, cold and steady and destructive. Her, warm and rash and keeping the peace. “It’s gonna be alright.”

A hot tear landed on her neck, left a warm trail along her skin. But she didn’t say anything- she didn’t so much as move. Tommy’s arm came up to rest on her lower back. She let him, she fought back her tears and she held him tighter. And she didn’t know how long it was that they stood together like that, but Lizzie wasn’t moving until he did.

Finally, he pulled away. Lizzie let her arm fall from around him. There was no space between them, but there was distance now. He was back in his head, back in this world with her. She let go of the hold she had on his wrist and watched as he stared down at the gun. He took off the safety and Lizzie’s heart clenched. But she didn’t move. Tommy raised the gun, aiming at something she knew she wouldn’t see if she turned around. She didn’t flinch when he fired.

Tommy tucked the gun back into its holster. He pulled out his pack of cigarettes and his lighter. He handed her one, and Lizzie took it with a slight nod. She watched the flicker of the flame as Tommy lit her cigarette and then his own. The brightness of the flame seemed to shock her body into awareness. Suddenly her feet ached and her toes were going numb. Her bare legs and arms were cold and she hugged herself to hold in whatever heat there was to hold.

Her movement had Tommy shrugging off his coat and wrapping it around her. He took hold of her hand and pulled her along through the field. Every step was agony, but Lizzie kept quiet. The moment felt too fragile to disturb. She was afraid that one wrong thing would send him back to screaming at nothing and pressing guns to his head. She’d not risk it so soon.

Arthur met them at the edge of the drive, but Tommy didn’t slow. Lizzie sent what she hoped was a reassuring look back to Arthur, but his eyes were on the ground and he was turning back to his car. She’d have Polly go round and check on him later. Facing forward once more, Lizzie watched as the front door opened. Mary stood, concerned expression clear on her face, as she took in Lizzie’s bare feet. The usual insecurity she felt when the staff disapproved of her were absent this time as Lizzie walked into the house.

Tommy let go of Lizzie’s hand. He walked into his study and she made her way up the stairs to her bedroom. She slipped out of Tommy’s coat and tossed it on the bed. Then she went into the bath and turned on the water, letting the tub fill. Her dress was discarded on the floor and with only a bit of discomfort Lizzie sank into the hot water.

The warmth had seeped into her muscles and the sting from rocks and sticks was fading by the time the door opened. Her eyes were closed but only Tommy would come in while she was bathing and not announce himself first. Cold fingers came to rest on her stomach and she opened her eyes to see Tommy settled on the floor next to tub. His eyes met hers as his thumb drew circles into her skin. She wasn’t sure what she saw in the blue of his eyes, but it was heavy.

“What stopped you?” She bit her lip, and feigned confusion. That moment in the field was a bit too much for her think about just then. At least it was too much to think about honestly. But Tommy being Tommy couldn’t let the question alone. His hand left her stomach and he wrapped his fingers around her wrist-like she had done. “All you had to do was press down. A small thing to end Tommy Shelby. So what stopped you, Lizzie?”

She couldn’t tell him. She wouldn’t. She’d not give him anymore of her to tear apart when he got angry or use when business dictated. He knew why, and he was a prick for asking. Her hand pulled free of Tommy’s grip. Her eyes left his to stare at the ceiling instead. “Charlie and Ruby’d miss you,” she said, voice flat and empty. She saw him give a slow nod. “Besides, it wasn’t me that stopped anything. When've I ever stopped you doing something you wanted to do?”

Tommy stood up slowly. She could almost feel the ache of his muscles in her own body. His eyes were on her, she could feel it. But she didn’t look. She let her eyes fall closed again, trying to ignore Tommy and the field and Mosely and just _everything_. And it was almost working- she had almost got her mind to stop buzzing and her heart to stop aching.

But then he spoke…

“She was calling my name.” _Don’t look at him. “_ I could see her waiting for me.” _If you look it’ll only be worse for you._ Her teeth sank into her lip as she tried to push out the words. They were too much- the weight heavy in her gut. She didn’t need this. God, she didn’t need this. “But then you were there- asking for a walk home.” She took a deep breath and held it- kept holding it. “So you did. Stop me. _You_ stopped me, Lizzie.”

Then he was gone and she was sat trying to figure out what the fuck to do with all these feelings he’d left her with.


End file.
